What to say

Some parents fear the talk gives a child ideas too early. A toddler who learns the word for their elbow and the word for their private parts learns both the same way, as plain facts about their own body.

Some families feel this could never happen in their home. In India, 96.6 percent of POCSO penetrative cases in 2024 involved someone known to the child (NCRB 2024, Table 4A.10). POCSO is India’s law against the sexual abuse of children. So every family needs these talks, said calmly, the way you teach a child to cross the road.

See what is normal at each age and the sentence a child needs.

Say these lines in your own words, with the names for your child’s own body. If your child is near the edge of two age bands, read both.

There is more on how a child learns where the line is.

Should children keep secrets?

Teach surprises, not secrets. A surprise is happy and ends soon, when everyone finds out. A secret is meant to stay hidden. Tell children that touch, gifts, pictures and messages are never secrets, and that an adult who asks them to keep one is the reason to come and tell you, or to call 1098, India’s Child Helpline.

A birthday gift hidden in the cupboard is a surprise, because everyone will know by evening.

Say the names alone with your child first. If a relative says real names are too liberal, the parent closest to that relative can say:

They’re the words a doctor uses. If the children ever need help, anyone will understand them.

At home we use our word too. The children just know the real one as well.

There is more on the words we never gave.

A son speaks to his own parents, a daughter to hers. Use the name you always call them.

When the elder wants the hug, the parent says to the elder, in private:

Mummy, the children choose how to greet everyone, even us. Their namaste is proper respect.

In front of the elder, the parent says to the child:

You can say hello to Nani your way. A namaste is lovely, or touch her feet.

If an elder keeps pressing, the parent says:

It’s the same for everyone, Papa, even for us.

When an elder pushes the child to hug a guest, the parent says to the elder, then to the guest:

Let the children greet in their own way, Mummy. A namaste is enough.

The children are saying namaste to everyone these days. Come, sit, have some tea.

Most elders accept the rule within a visit or two. If any adult keeps ignoring the child’s no after the rule is said, keep the child out of time alone with them, and read when an adult’s behaviour is not okay.

See also respect is not obedience and the word of the house.

Some schools now say safe and unsafe touch. Some touch that is not okay can feel nice or confusing, so a rule works better. If a child’s body reacted, it is still never their fault.

The rule, in two lines:

Nobody touches your private parts unless it’s to keep you clean or healthy, and that is never a secret.

Nobody should ask you to touch theirs, or show you theirs, or show you pictures of private parts.

There is more on the sentence a child needs. To put the rules on a wall at home or in class, print the free Body Safety Rules chart.

Thank you for telling me.

I believe you.

Can you tell me more about that?

It’s not your fault, even if you kept it secret or broke a rule.

I won’t scold you.

I can’t keep this secret. I’ll only tell people who can help, and I’ll tell you what happens next.

Let the child use their own words, and do not suggest names or acts. Do not confront the person, or tell them you know. Tell no one who might warn them. Let the police deal with them. Call 1098 before the child is next with the person. Do not promise what will happen to the person. Many of us grew up hearing don’t talk about such things, so if those words come out first, go back to the child and start again.

What to do next, step by step, is on If a child tells you. Read what happens when you call 1098 and how a child actually tells.

What to do if your teenager is in a relationship, or has swapped pictures with someone their own age, is on Is this normal?, with what the law says. Even then the law requires a report, and deleting the pictures does not take its place.

Lines to say:

Never ask anyone for a nude or private photo, and never send one, even to someone you trust.

If someone sends you one, don’t forward it or save it. Show me first, and we’ll work out what to do together.

If anyone ever threatens to share a picture of you, come to me. I won’t scold you.

If someone threatens you, it is their fault, not yours.

Do not take the phone away as a punishment. Fear of losing it is one reason teenagers stay quiet.

There is more on who is in the online room.